Help, My Wife is Sick!- Marriage Partnership

Many people say that the first year of marriage is often the toughest. I’m not so sure about that. But, my wife and I did encounter an unexpected challenge on our maiden voyage. Angela spent most of the year sick. Like really sick.

Three months into our marriage, just as we were beginning to get our apartment settled and get used to living with one another, she developed severe allergic and respiratory problems. And for the next several months, this active woman who had hardly ever missed a day of work spent the majority of her time in bed. Angela was diagnosed with bronchitis 8 times, pneumonia once, and a myriad of other allergic conditions in between. And every trip to the doctor only seemed to provide more questions than answers. The symptoms seemed to get worse and the solutions more distant.
Finally after a year of emergency trips to Walgreens, visits to the emergency room, and whole host of medical terms I had trouble pronouncing, we got to the bottom of just what was wrong with Angela and found hope in her recovery.

The year both challenged and strengthened our marriage. I had grown up with a sick mother, but it was little preparation for seeing my wife suffer.

Over the course of that very hard year, I learned some important lessons in caring for a sick spouse. Lessons I wish someone had shared with me earlier.

1) You Can Never Be Too Sympathetic
Show you care. For men, this is a real test, because we are naturally less emotional than our wives. And yet what women need and want most during a tough time is the support of their husbands.
Always finding the words to say was tough for me. Often when she would share some of her pains, I wouldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so I thought my silence was good, but I learned that it really just communicated apathy.
It is important to find the words that express genuine concern. Often all they want to hear is how sorry you are that they are in this condition and that you’re praying for them.

2) Try to Avoid Blaming Them for their Sickness
If your husband or wife is sick, it often means you have to miss work, social outings, and other events that you consider important. It will test your patience and yet you have to try to avoid compounding their pain by acting as if it were their fault. Remember the real enemy is not your spouse, but the disease or virus afflicting their body.
After a long day, I often found myself communicating disgust through slight shrugs and frowns. Later she told me that it made her feel like such a burden.
Your mate will already tend to blame themselves—they don’t need you pointing the finger.

3) Be Their Advocate
The world of medicine and doctors and insurance can be confusing, murky, and often misleading. And your spouse has a tough time enough battling sickness, they need you to stand up for themselves when it seems that doctors aren’t taking them seriously. Unfortunately, it seems that women are more easily shrugged off than men.
Many doctors we visited insisted that Angela’s condition was somehow made up in her mind. I saw her everyday and knew that she’d much rather resume her active lifestyle. So I had to constantly speak up on her behalf.
If it is possible, you should try to go on all of the important doctor visits and even sit in the room. Not only can you be an advocate, you can be another set of eyes and ears, helping keep track of medicine dosages and precautions.
Your involvement sends an important signal that your sick spouse is not walking this road alone.

4) Guard Their Spiritual Life
Sickness can easily lead to depression, guilt, and anger. Each passing day without relief can cause us to question if God even cares. What’s more, all those days missing from church and fellowship with Christian friends can lead to spiritual decline.
This is where you must gently guard the spiritual life of your spouse. He or she doesn’t need preachy sermons but daily words of strength and comfort from the Scriptures. You will want to increase your prayer time together, lifting up your most urgent needs to a caring Savior.
You may also want to bring home tapes or CD’s of messages from church. I know this helped Angela quite a bit—it made her feel as though she still plugged into God’s program for her life.

5) Be Selfless
“In sickness and in health.” You may have just been repeating those words to get through your wedding ceremony, but they were actually a vow to stand by your loved one through thick and thin. When your spouse goes down with a disease, virus, or illness, this is not the time to assert your rights, but the opportunity to demonstrate selfless love.
This was a challenge for me and often I didn’t exhibit a selfless attitude. But, true love calls us to sacrifice. It may mean tired trips to the store, taking off work to visit the doctor, performing some of the household chores you normally don’t do such as cooking or cleaning.
Quite often, it means you’ll have to spend a lot of time with your spouse, at their bedside and ready to serve them in whatever capacity they need.

6) Help Keep Perspective
When you’re sick, really sick, it is easy to lose perspective. You’re mind begins to wonder and wander. Is this going to last forever? Am I going to lose my job, my ministry? Does the doctor really mean that?
This is where the spouse can keep a healthy perspective. You don’t want to pretend that everything is okay, but you also want to focus on what is really happening and avoid the dangerous and alarming “what if” games. Stay positive and upbeat, because your sick husband or wife will feed off of that energy.
Sometimes you just need to have a good laugh. Retell some of your favorite stories or share something funny that happened at work. Proverbs 17:22 tells us that laughter can have a surprising healing effect.

7) Stay Connected
Everyone needs a support system, especially when you are going through a difficult time such as sickness.
You’ll be tempted to isolate yourself from everyone. You’ll feel guilty about burdening others with your problems. But, you’ll be surprised at how people really want to pitch in and help where they can. Don’t be too proud to ask for a ride to the doctor, a meal, or a babysitter.
Looking back, I don't know how we would have made it were it not for the network of friends and family that helped carry us through.
And it is also important for the spirit of your sick spouse. Frequent visits by friends and loved ones will help boost his or her spirits.
Most of all, get plugged into a prayer network. Our church has a fantastic way of doing this. They put out urgent prayer requests on voice-mail or email that have the entire congregation praying. There were times when we could literally feel the power of hundreds of people on their knees.

8) Constantly Affirm Your Love
Sickness is a hardship that puts stress on a marriage. There is no escaping that fact. During an extended illness, you see your loved one at their worst. The fatigue and side effects of medicines can often make them moody and irritable. And yet this is where you have to demonstrate that your love is unconditional.

This is your most important role. You can probably fail at everything else, but if your spouse knows you love them and that you will stick with them through thick and thin, then it gives them hope and confidence to solider on.

9) Guard Your Own Spiritual Life
If there is ever a time when you need the supernatural strength from the Lord, it is now. You’ll be tempted to abandon your Bible reading and prayer time in favor of laundry, cleaning, or something seemingly more important. But, if you are going to help keep your wife spiritually afloat and if you’re going to attempt to demonstrate selfless love and sacrifice, there is nothing more important than your relationship with God.
I found that the days I skipped my time with God were the days I reacted in anger or frustration. And the days I managed to find time to seek Him were the days I was supplied with needed spiritual energy and strength to care for Angela.
And don’t be afraid to lift up silent prayers throughout the day. You’ll be amazed that the little miracles you’ll see along the way. Throughout the year, God supplied parking spots, last-minute appointments, and other blessings that served to remind us that He was still there, caring for even our littlest requests.

A Strengthening Experience
Sickness is just one of many challenges that can come into a marriage. And as husband and wife, you can allow this to tear away at your relationship, or you can use it as a means of bringing you closer together.

I can’t say we handled everything perfectly during this time. There were days we were both frustrated at each other and at the seeming lack of hope or answers. And you will face those days as well, no matter how much you prepare yourself.

However, in the long run of things, Angela’s sickness was a trial sent by God as a teaching tool on the meaning of love and sacrifice in marriage. And I am glad to say that it brought us closer together rather than farther apart.